I refuse to follow instructions

Dear people at GK gymnastics wear,

Thank you for attaching care instructions to the garment I purchased for Wasabi Girl today. I'm sure they took some effort to compose, and you attached no fewer than two copies, so you must be pretty serious about them.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to comply, because my life is already a little too busy, and I can't organize even one more routine.

Let's review what you would like me to do;

DO NOT HAND WASH

All caps, separate paragraph. You really don't want me to hand wash this, do you? Just what damage do you think I'm going to do with my bare hands and a little woolite?

Turn garment inside out. Machine wash individually in a large volume of cold water on gentle cycle. Must use a very mild *liquid* detergent. We strongly recommend using Ivory Snow *liquid* detergent.

The inside out part shouldn't be a problem, since most of my children deliver most of their clothes to the wash inside out. Washing individually in a large volume of cold water though, seems a tad impractical, no? Does this garment need to swim free to get really clean? I do so many loads of laundry, I really cannot fit in another two loads during the week to wash this twice for Wasabi Girl's class. So sorry. And it gets Tide liquid. That will just have to be close enough.

DO NOT use bleach, harsh or granular detergents or liquid fabric softener.

Again with the capital letters. Did you know that's considered shouting? And if a load seems skanky, it's getting a shovel full of oxy-clean. Great grainy wonderful stuff.

DO remove immediately from washer and tumble dry on low or no heat setting.

Whoa. Sorry again. I have to drive around a lot, like to that gymnastics place, ballet school, piano lessons - you get my drift. I throw a load in and put it in the dryer when I have time when I get back. I really can't just sit there waiting for a load to finish.

Do Not hang or lay flat to dry and DO NOT use dryer sheets.

Or what? Are you going to come check on me? I'm thinking at this point I may lay it flat to dry just to spite you. And dryer sheets? My best friend, next to the oxy-clean.

I guess I'm just going to have to be a rebel.

You see Jungle Boy was on the gymnastics team for a few years and I was more than a little haphazard when I washed his garments. They never faded, or pilled, or curled, or did anything awful. On the day he outgrew each piece it was as bright and perfect as the day he got it.

So I'm just going to throw all caution to the wind, because this garment? It's underwear. If it really gets trashed after I wash it a bajillion times the wrong way, I will buy her a brand new pair.

But I'll never say you didn't warn me.